"This
class is the yoga of cooking," stated our Indian cooking instructor
Nalini with such conviction. Yikes!!! I thought and immediately burst
out into a short laugh that I somehow managed to contain. What the heck is going on here??? Is this some kind of sick joke?
Then
our little Indian cooking instructor went on, "I hope you all are
vegetarians... " Ummmm, not even CLOSE... "and now we are going to go
around and say why each of us wanted to take this class, and THEN we are going to meditate..."
WHAT? WHAT? WHAT? Ok, now we've gone too far. Groupon has really led
me astray. How did I get here? And what is my husband Brett thinking?
If I feed him a meal without some actual meat, even if it's loaded with protein he promptly files a complaint. And while I'm not the spiritual type, I do take an occasional yoga class, but Brett- his idea of a
spiritual connection is the deep, involved, cultivating connection he
has with each player on his fantasy baseball team. He must be really
enjoying this!
"The ancient Indian medical science of Ayurveda, prescribes a delicious at the same time unique mind-body menu
for lifelong health. This healing cuisine emphasizes the close
connection between the food we eat and our health," read an excerpt from
a Ayurveda guide our caring instructor sent us
after the class. How did we get here? You might be wondering. Well,
one day Groupon sent me an offer for an Indian Cooking Class and a light bulb went off in my head. I love Indian food, I want to learn to cook it, I have a
rough time wanting to eat tons of vegis and an obscure fear of chicken
breast and if only I learned how to properly cook vegis and chicken
breast the Indian way I could be on my way to a healthier lifestyle.
Plus
I'm pregnant and have gotten into this phase where I want to continue
to experience life to its fullest before the baby comes. And I have
been having weird food cravings. There was the week where all I wanted
to eat were passion fruits and so my mother went to a
special grocery store in Berkeley and bought me 30 of them. Then there
was the month where all I wanted to eat was Ethiopian food and I
begged Brett to eat it with me at least twice a
week until he finally put his foot down. SO... I somehow convinced my
good friend Sarah to take the cooking class with me. Then she
accidentally bought two Groupons so I bought an extra one also so we
could bring our husbands along for the ride. Right as we were leaving
to walk over to the class, Brett gets a text from Sarah's husband Mike wondering why we are paying $100 each for a
cooking class that we supposedly got half off on Groupon and
questioning how much alcohol will be there to help them get through the
night. A bottle of wine each? Probably more with that steep price tag they thought.
Jesus
Christ. What are we doing here and what will I tell the rest of the
class about why I wanted to be here. Think quick. As we went around the
circle, it became more and more apparent that the four of us were the
only ones who kind of showed up at the class without purposely trying
to form a deeper connection to the vegis we cook. Honestly! There was even a girl who practiced Ayurveda for a
living and it SHOWED. Oh yes it did. How so? Her haircut. Not to be
mean but how could I not be? She had that cut where she had long brown
hair on the top of her head, slicked back in a pony tail to reveal a SHAVED HEAD underneath. Yup! Really homegirl? That's your haircut? I don't care how "spiritual" you are- that haircut is just a joke. A
strange, strange joke. Unless you are joining some grunge band from
the 90s you just look ridiculous. And I'm sorry but if you have $100 to
blow on a cooking class- grow out your lovely locks, go to a high end salon and get yourself a
real hairdo. Ughh. I'm not sure why but her haircut REALLY bothered
me. Maybe it was just the pregnancy hormones but it somehow reminded me
of the kids I use to see begging for money in Berkeley on Telegraph
Ave as teenagers who had gone with me to private schools and had parent
that were doctors and other professionals. Was it because being
homeless was suddenly "in"??? Was this lady so enthralled in the
Ayuvedera lifestyle that she thought her haircut was acceptable in
today's society?
The shaved head lady later went on to have a full blown discussion with our instructor about how breathing is as effective as morphine and how she prescribes ghee (a form of butter) to her patients for its healing power. Luckily, Mike is a doctor and Sarah is a
nurse practitioner so I felt safe having them there to dispel that
myth for me. Even when Nalini came over to explain how I should start
ramping up my ghee intake because pregnant women get gassy and ghee
helps with gas and other medical issues that arise during pregnancy- I
stuck to my ground and consulted my legitimate health care practitioners
there at my side.
OK so I let myself get distracted in this girls do' as we went around the circle but then I went back to scrambling for a reason to be at this class- I did grow up in Berkeley, my little brother has been a vegetarian since he was 4, he spent a number of years as a vegan, so I thought HEY- I have some credibility here. So I went on some tangent about how my brother was a vegetarian and that's why I wanted to take this class instead of telling the group the real reason- the whole thing was a
HUGE MISTAKE and I really felt like I was in the middle of some sham
and all I wanted to do was get through the class without laughing so
that I wouldn't offend any of these strange people. In my explanation, I
did leave out the part about how even though I grew up in Berkeley my
family was the only one in my class who didn't recycle and that even
though my mother ONLY drinks bottled water, she still refuses to recycle
the bottles because setting them aside in a different can is just apparently too much for her and my father. Anyways....
As
our instructor began our group meditation journey, instead of focusing
on the meditation, I was focusing on how not to break out into a
fit of laughter. I felt like I was in third grade all over again. I
kept thinking back to that text Mike sent Brett and how thrilled I
thought the boys must be to have this experience. Then I tried to really
live the lifestyle and think positively. I had asked Brett to attend a yoga class with me a
few times in the past few years and shockingly, he always declined.
Suddenly I was hitting two birds with one stone- the meditation portion
reminded me of yoga and the cooking portion was going to be great
because maybe Brett would want to start cooking for his pregnant wife.
After
the meditation was over, our instructor went deeper into Ayuvedera
theory and just as she was getting real deep "every person is an
element: earth, air, water, fire, space,... think about what element
you are and you have to eat foods to balance out your element. I, for
example, am airy, so I need to eat more earthy foods." Just then
Nalini's partner walked in. HELLO! I thought! Classic San Francisco.
This class is just getting better and better every second. Well Nalini,
looks to me like your partner isn't really eating for her element. If
she was, she would probably be a little less pudge. I thought this way of eating was a
lifestyle as well and it doesn't seem like that woman is eating only
vegis, let alone only those particular vegis that compliment her
element. Hmmmmm......
Finally we got into the cooking portion of the class with instructions on how to make a few items including green beans with shredded coconut and a rice/lentil/squash dish. It was at that point that things started to get serious. As Brett was placing a
chili into the pot, Nalini came over to him and scolded him for not
"CONNECTING" with the chili. Apparently he was just throwing the chili
into the pot haphazardly and not really thinking about the chili,
smelling the chili NOR becoming one with the chili at that particular
moment.
I'm sure he loved that. Personally, I was thinking, hey lady- I'm just happy to see him cooking- I could care less if he feels a connection with any particular spice. But to each his own. This woman was here to give us our money's worth and force a connection with our vegis in whatever way she needed to do that to bring the true Ayuvedera lifestyle to each of us.
As
we continued into the cooking portion of the class I started to really
feel ripped off. While some of the vegis were possibly farm fresh,
others were from Trader Joes. Really Nalini? You are charging 8 of us
$100 a pop for vegis and they aren't even from
the Farmer's Market or Whole Foods. Ok. Then we started to make the
raita I realized that we didn't even have all the ingredients. You
would think that Nalini could have done us the favor of at least
purchasing all the items necessary for each dish.
When
the meal was finally cooked and the food came out there was barely
enough for each of us. Not sure if that was so that we would be able to
better connect and become one with each damn bite OR if this lady was
just cheap OR if it was because she was truly an "AIR" sign (as she
earlier self described) and hadn't thought about how much food would be
necessary to feed 9 mouths. I know- maybe she thought that by her
launching into a discussion about finding her
guru (oh yes she did) she would be able to distract us enough with
hopes and dreams of finding our own GURU that we wouldn't notice the
lack of food on our plates.
To be perfectly honest when the whole thing was said and done we all realized we had such a
comical, quintessential San Francisco, hippy dippy experience that it
was worth every penny of $400 for 4 participants. And the vegis were
pretty darn good too- so good that I bought the ingredients and made two
of the dishes myself the very next week. Sure, Brett did complain that
I wasn't feeding him any meat, but I did remind him of the power of
lentils and just how lucky he was that I wasn't going to lead him
through a family meditation before we sat down to eat.
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