KGB in Estonia

Today we went on a Soviet Tour of Estonia- we went to the Soviet Life Museum and then to the Hotel Viru, which the KGB built to spy on tourists in Soviet times. The tour at the hotel was absolutely fascinating- we learned the ins and outs of KGB monitoring at the hotel. There was however, one anecdote from the tour that made ZERO sense- the hotel employees were not even allowed to talk to the tourists- how the hell did that work? I can't imagine staying in a hotel that was run entirely without speaking to the guests but then again what more would you expect from a government that thinks its cool beans to arrest a baby at 2am for overstaying his welcome for 2 hours.

There were some very interesting stories about the rooms being tapped- when guests would complain to each other that they were out of TP, some lady in a babushka would turn up 5 minutes later with a fresh roll of toilet paper.

As Brett put it- the Soviet government was like a piece of Laffy Taffy candy (the kind of candy that comes with a joke)- the first CLUE (reminds me of the board game) that their way of life was unsustainable should have been that they spent an untold amount of time and money shielding their country folk from other cultures supposedly because they were the BEST. They were also the hardest working- communism bred some real workhorses. You can see it today in their pubs! When my parents visited Russia in Soviet times they couldn't hail a cab with money to save their lives- it wasn't until they held out a stick of gum that a can would stop for them.

What a cool era to live in- one where a piece of gum was LITERALLY chewed for 2 months bc it was such a treat!!!!! If you were ever lucky enough to come across a piece and you were über-generous, you might even let your friend chew for 20 minutes (we learned this today from our tour guide- I'm not joking)!

In fact, as we learned today, the USSR was so F-ing good that they could not even build the hotel we were in today in less than 8 or so years so they had to bring in the Finns to build the dang thing so they could start monitoring foreigners before their god damn regime was over in 1991.

See below for a pic of the gate to the Old Town and Maddox in the secret KGB headquarters on the top floor of the Hotel Viru. As the sign read when we got there: "there is nothing here."
Sure! And the North Korean weightlifting gold medalist we saw tonight didn't take any performance enhancing substances!

One thing I thought was super interesting was that there were no "Soviet Times" museums of any sort in Russia- all there was were nostalgia producing positive Soviet cafes that the era seem more like the 70s in the US. Ample food and drink, etc... All the museums knocking the government at that time were in Latvia and Estonia. Coincidence? I don't think so!

Off to London tomorrow- yippee!!!

More fun in Tallin

Today was another wonderful day in Tallinn. We went to a restaurant/beer hall where such famous people as Uma Turman had been!!!!!! I couldn't believe it (see photo below). I just felt overcome with joy and admiration having been able to dine in the very same venue where Uma enjoyed a meal!!!!! Uma! Uma! Uma! Ums! Umi! Oh how I love you and admire your work.

We were suppose to go to a music festival in the countryside but we decided against it when our cab driver told us it was a festival for dirty hippies, the music sucked and GET THIS- they had a CHOLERA outbreak last year. What???? Cholera!!!!!! Really? That does seem to further authenticate our medieval times experience in this awesome walled city but we do have a baby so we decided to opt out.

We also took Maddox to a super cool puppet show/puppet museum. He loved the show so much he was dancing in my lap- especially during the Macarena act. He didn't even care that the show was in Estonian. After the show and a quick tour of the medieval town hall we went to an indoor water park. Maddox is certainly a water baby. He met a cute Estonian baby and they enjoyed splashing each other and holding hands as us parents discussed life in Estonia.

We noticed again today that sure, there are lots of tourists here but most of them are European. How do I know? Well it's all about the length of shorts and swim trunks the men wear. European men prefer just above the knee. European men go for the short and sweet look, sporting speedos in the pool and daisy duke nut huggers I. The street. Doesn't matter if they're old or young or whether they have kankles or ankles.

Another thing I've noticed in the Baltics is most of the homeless people are super cute. I know that sounds weird but I doubt they are homeless, they are relatively clean, and a lot of then are old. We saw an 80 year old woman sing for her supper on a street corner in Latvia and my heart just melted.

However, today we saw a not so cool homeless man touting a full Polish all red snazzy Olympic outfit and I wont be the first to tell you those aren't cheap! He was holding a sign that read "Give me all your money! Send me back home!" please buddy. The only place I can afford to send you is that Biomassage venue, which I have since seen another ad for. Not only will they massage your prostate professionally, they have a "SPECIAL" promotion running now where they will also conduct a hygienic shaving of intimidate zones while you relax!" Seems to me this Polish bloke is so super clean and rich already that the only way we could really help him would be to sponsor the shaving of his intimate zones.

We have a few more days in Estonia before we head to the Olympics! We can't wait so we have been reading up on all things Olympic, including the Paraolympics. I didn't realize the Paraolympics were tinged with so mug scandal. Apparently they have issues ranging from steroid use in dwarfs, people that lie about mental disabilities to get on the teams and others who break their bones to raise their blood pressure which has been shown to increase their chances of winning by 15 percent. Dang!!!! Crazy! If you haven't already do some Internet research. You will be shocked!

We just watched Michael Phelps get creamed in his first event. I'm sure he won't be getting nearly as much action in the Olympic Village tonight. Pobrecito.

The tabloids have been filled with talk of Olympic Village hook-ups which my family finds fascinating and also a way to blend in with the locals. Brett and I were at the grocery store when I opted to buy a trashy gossip magazine for 1 Euro. Then as we sat down at a cafe outside I realized- how cool is this. People will think I'm Estonian because I'm reading Estonian. What a concept! What a strategy. Not sure why I didn't do this on other trips.

Until later,

Sarah

Tallin, Estonia

We are now in Tallin, Estonia, Europe's best preserved Medieval city. We are staying in the old town which is surrounded by 13th century walls and towers. I feel safe here.

Our hotel is in an old merchant's house and even the walls are Uneaxo protected sites. I'll make sure Maddox doesn't go at them with a sledge hammer.

It wasn't easy getting all our luggage here but we have a good system worked out. I'm not sure how after traveling for all these years I still don't have packing light down but it's not easy with a baby!

They really play up the Medieval theme here and if I have enough drinks I might forget I'm in a real medieval city and instead think I'm in one of those medieval fairs I went to as a child. There are people dressed in period costume, fire jugglers and jousters in the old town square. It's actually fun and pretty cool. There are way more tourists here than Riga but at least 95 percent of them are European which adds to the authentic ambiance.

We had a unique medieval dinner of boar, elk and bear sausages and an incredibly delish but hearty filet of wild elk with local berries. Estonia is also known for their beer and we had the most unique beer at dinner- light cinnamon and dark herbal varieties made in-house. Brett is in heaven!

We had a warm welcome here to Tallin, our cab driver was the nicest and funniest man we have come across in the Baltics and when we arrived in the airport they were nice enough to hand us a map of the old town. The map was filled with all sorts of ads to get our creative juices flowing trying to figure out what to do here. They really offer up some rare activities here including:

"Biomassage for Men: Anonymous Practical Help for Men with Potency Problems. An experienced specialist invites gentlemen to special intimidate massage with orgasm (without sex, possible massage of the prostate) in order to restore, enhanced and sustain stable potency. A personalized approach, confidentiality, results and an unforgettable new feeling guaranteed! Courteous and profession health service. Do not miss your chance!"

Really??????? Really?????? Sign my man up!!! It's a medical service after all and no sex is involved just a regular old prostate massage. Just what we were looking for. Awesome. And best of all our potency problems can be solved. Whatever those are. We won't miss our chance lady!!!

I wonder if they also offer some medical treatment for sleazy babies because Maddox might be in the market for something like that soon. His flirting is getting out of control! He's getting so aggressive we have nicknamed him the Italian Stallion.

Today he convinced some lady in the airport to give him a 10 minute Xhinese language lesson. He also isn't getting enough satisfaction anymore from merely flirting with the waitresses by smiling and catching their eye. Now he has moved on to sometimes trying to undress them by pulling on their aprons. I'm not sure until what age this behavior will remain acceptable but we may need to come back to this bio clinic here for help!

Until later!

Friendly Riga

We have spent three wonderful days in Riga, Latvia, the European Union's second cheapest capital city (first is Tallin, Estonia where we are headed in 2 days!).

Most people probably don't know that in Riga, just a block from where we are staying, is where the tradition of decorating the Xmas tree started at Blackbeard's House, an old fraternity of sailors who one night got drunk, cut down a Xmas tree and decided to decorate it with flowers (see the first picture below). Rigans are also known for their voices as they are all suppose to be great singers and they had a singing revolution to protest occupation by the Soviet Union where people formed a human chain linking arms and singing from Lithuania through Latvia to Estonia. Pretty cool. We saw a man in a babushka and skirt singing a song he must have made up called "Baby" and he sure didn't have a voice to write home about but whatever.

Riga is incredibly beautiful, has tons to see and the people here are actually nice. Well, maybe they aren't that nice but having just left Russia these people seem sweeter than sugar. I have some sort of culture shock after our Russian experience so when I buy a water in the train station here and am thanked I'm humbled and overwhelmed with people who seem sweeter than sugar when maybe these are just normal pleasantries we should all expect from clerks in our 7-11 equivalents.

But seriously the people here are nice, the parents of young kids stop to talk to us about Maddox, when we ask for directions people are willing to help (one guy even walked us 10 mins to the train station).

Being with Maddox we meet tons of people because he is just so outgoing and can't stop smiling at everyone he sees. His hobby is to catch someone's eye until they pay attention to him. He's especially fond of baby girls slightly his senior and the older ladies like him too! Once again he got so sick of us the other night he almost started crying when we were enjoying a pub crawl on one of the many summer terraces here but his attitude took a 180 every time this 70 year old Norwegian couple looked his way. Eventually they just grabbed him and he sat with them, happy as a clam for the next 30 minutes.

Last night we were able to spend 6 hours at a summer terrace with another Norwegian couple we met because Maddox was so happy to be able to communicate with them and flirt with the 40 year old woman as we sat and enjoyed our evening. He is hilarious.

Maddox has been a joy to travel with and we are having more fun with him than we could have imagined. Today we took him to the beach for the first time in Jurmala- and he absolutely loved playing in the sand and the ocean. He even crawled back into ocean from our spot in the sand and laughed as the waves crashed over
his legs.

Jurmala is known as the French Riviera of the Baltics, but its also known for its bad haircuts (it's where the rich Russians go to show off their trophy wives and their wives' sexy mullets).

Besides thoroughly enjoying getting lost in the cobbled stone streets of the old town, we took a tour of the Art Nouveau Architecture, walked through the most beautiful park we have ever seen, visited the Museum of the Occupation and went to the largest Nazi concentration camp in the Baltics where 100,000 Jews were murdered.

The former concentration camp now houses a giant sculpture garden and memorial black onyx slab of stone with a metronome that ticks like a beating heart. It was creepy to hear the non-stop heartbeat and to stand in a field where such atrocities have taken place.

Even getting to the concentration camp was an erie experience. We took a train to get there and planned on following the directions in our trusty Lonely Planet- follow the path on the barracks side of the track. When we got off the train we were in the middle
of a desolate forest and found no signs to indicate we were in the right place. Luckily we saw a couple at the train stop who told us that it was very difficult to get to the site and they had found it based on directions they found on their phone on tripadvisor. They told us it would be hard to get there but well worth seeing.

Basically there were zero signs and we would have to follow a concrete road, turn right at the fork and then turn left at some abandoned wooden goal posts. After walking for 30 minutes or so we realized we had taken a wrong turn somewhere and started to get a little frustrated and angry at Lonely Planet. Luckily we ran into Latvian mushroom and berry pickers every so often so we weren't completely alone.

Clearly the guidebook author had never been to this site, otherwise they may have mentioned things like- there are no places to buy food or water, no signs and you have to follow several unmarked roads through the forest.

Thanks Lonely Planet!!! Eventually we asked directions from two 10 year old boys on bikes who understood English well enough to take us there.

Luckily Brett and I travel together incredibly well. I'm in charge of motivating us to do cool things and he is able to keep calm and carry on when things don't go our way. On this trip we have been able to agree on most everything except the quality of the Latvian champagne.

Brett thinks "Riga's Diva: Red Fusion" $4 a bottle champagne is the best thing since sliced bread. I think it's sweet, sick tasting and made for underage drinkers and transvestites. We can't agree on everything but so is life!

Locked up Abroad: Family Edition

Last night we boarded a 15 hour train to Latvia, leaving St Petersburg at 7:30pm. The train started out to be a pleasant journey. Maddox enjoyed looking out the window and Brett and i sat down for a cup of tea and biscuits.

At 3am we were awoken by Russian immigration at the border, as we expected. After inspecting our passports we were informed that there was a problem.... Apparently our visas were valid through July 20th and although we left Russia on the 20th we didn't TECHNICALLY leave Russia until 2am on the 21st. Who gives a flying fu$k??? Well- the Russians do!

This 15 year old soldier instructed us to get off the train. Are you kidding me? We have a baby! Despite our protests we eventually were kicked out of our nice room and ordered off the train in the middle of nowhere. We were filed into an immigration detention center where we would spend the night, using the outhouse as a bathroom. Yay!

Luckily I snagged a few bottles of water from the train for Maddox's bottles because they had no clean water or food or stores of any kind nearby. Brett and I didn't eat anything or drink more than a sip for 24 hours- we had to save our water for Maddox. Luckily we had his food and even an iPad to entertain him. We slept in chairs in the immigration detention center- Maddox slept on my lap happily while we awaited a translator who was to arrive at 9am.

The next morning our round little
Munchkin arrived to translate what we already knew- we overstayed our welcome in their crap country by 2 hours and now we were going to pay. Clearly their policy is to keep people
from staying in Russia illegally- not to shake down tourists for more money. And since I did not have a hotel for the 21st I didn't think I could get a visa for that day and I'm sure they wouldn't allow it. Also, because I bought my ticket on a Latvian site which said nothing of this potential visa issue or what time we would actually leave Russia there was no way I could have known.

This translator was a real riot- once I realized what was happening I started questioning her about their practices and how she felt arresting a little baby at 2am. Well, this was the first baby arrest of her career. That made me feel better.

While Brett went to the bank to get money I tried to annoy the immigration authorities (I now knew they were harmless) by playing loud nursery rhymes and rap on my iPhone and taking Maddox in to play on their computers. When this lady told me to leave the room because she was working on my "protocol" I left but came back "sorry! My baby has now been traveling for 15 hours and is sick of looking at your walls. He likes computers!"

Brett later told me that "protocol" is a Soviet term indicative of the large bureaucracy and red tape the Soviet Union was known for. For me "protocol" was indicative of our translator being mentally retarded (it took her 45 minutes and her coworker yelling at her for her to be able to add our address to a standard form. It took her even longer to man the printer. She was super annoying but funny too and she couldn't resist Maddox's charm.

After shaking us down (Brett had to go to the bank and give them some $), they made us sign something in Russia. I tried to videotape this bi$ch making us sign the form and letting us know what we were signing but she kept saying "niet! Niet! Niet! Erase"so I kept on taping just in case.

We ended up taking a cab ride for 6 hours so we didnt have to wait until 3am for the next train. The cabbie was from the scariest Russian we had seen yet- 350 lbs, huge scar on his arm, etc.
The cab ride was fine despite the hour stopover at the border (the Russians are incredibly efficient!!!!!!) until we got to Riga, Latvia- at which point our driver refused to take us to our hotel because he "didn't know how to get there" which was what we gathered although he spoke no English. He then called a cab and wouldn't let us give him directions, even when we found a Russian- English speaking teenager who could translate for us. That's the Russian way. Crazy!!!!

And did I mention he was playing 70s/80s American love ballads the entire ride. I swear to Baby Jesus (shout out to Courtney) every single song was "Susanna" or "Desiree" or "Valerie" and went something like "Valerie- how I love you. Valllll-arie"

Cool it on the love ballads man! Am I being tortured or driven to freedom? I felt like I was in the midst of some sick fraternity hazing scheme.

Finally we arrived at our hotel in absolutely charming storybook like Riga (see last photo- pic from our hotel
room). We are so happy to be somewhere seemingly safe and whose people hate the Russians as much as we do (Russia occupied Latvia on and off until 1991);)

We will certainly be able to laugh at this all years later and at least we got the true Russian experience! Hey!

And we now can be certain little Maddox is a true traveler. I was laughing thinking about all the new moms who freak out taking their baby on a 2 hour plane ride or heaven forbid a plane to Hawaii!!!!! Maddox just traveled for 24 hours straight- from 6.5 hours on a train, to 10 hours in a detention center, to a 6 hour cab ride and then after 20 mins crawling he even sat through dinner. He is an angel! And of course he was happier than all of us and didn't cry for more than 20 seconds the whole trip! I on the other handing was in the detention center "bitch! Bitch! Bitch! Bitch!"

Brett was also cool as a cucumber although he later old told me this was the worst day of his life. But one that we will remember!

Now that we are in incredible Riga we will really be able to enjoy the rest of or trip! What doesn't kill us makes us stronger;)

2 More Gems & Peterhof

Your typical fashion forward St Petersburgians- and this isn't even the half of it. I saw some WAY better ones but in places/sitches where it wasn't as appropriate to snag a photo.

We saw the lady with the bootie shorts after we got off the ferry from Peterhof- Peter the Great's extravagant summer palace known for its incredible fountains. We had perfect weather today.

Also we found a new solution for when Maddox gets testy with us- we just move him to the next table (see photo below). He couldn't stop smiling at this Russian chick who was on our canal tour last night. We then ran into her today at Peterhof and when he got sick of looking at us we just strolled him over to her table and left him there for the remainder of the meal. She seemed to love him and if she didn't we couldn't communicate anyways so We could at least play dumb and enjoy our kebabs in peace!

St Petersburg was one of the most beautiful cities we have ever seen- at least it was the most opulent of all te cities we have been to in Europe. Couple that with the woman who screamed at me in Russian at the Ickes counter at Peterhof today with the hairdos from hell and I'm in heaven!

St Petersburg is known as the Venice of the North and the Russians adore the Italians. See picture below for why... It's got to be either their fashion sense or their haircuts. I've never seen so many mullets in my life!Mull-power!!!!!!!!!!!Mull! Mull!Mullet!

Straight from the street to u (see below): There were a few other hairdos I couldn't document today but saw with my very eyes: white girl with cornrows outside of the Caribbean and my personal fav- woman with buzz cut AND TAIL!!!

Dang- now I feel like I've been wasting my time in the am when I take a few moments from my day to match Maddox's pacifier and especially his paci clip to his outfit. I bet nobody here notices or even cares! Dang! How rude!

Today we didn't make it to Peterhof- we hope to go tomorrow. The ferries weren't running during the storm but the weather did clear up enough for us to take a lovely cruise on the Fontanka. Of course the cruise was in Russian. While there are no English signs anywhere here this boat co decided to put one up in English to lore us in, then we got on the boat and the whole trip was in Russian. Oh well- at least it was still pretty.

We also went back to the Hermitage (we couldn't resist/ I didn't know Brett was such an art lover!) and to Peter the Great's Museum of Atrocities where we thought we could show Maddox Rasputin's penis in a jar but apparently that's somewhere else do instead we saw all kind of deformed fetuses that Peter gave rewards for and saved in jars (flipper feet, 2 heads etc). The museum apparently use to have live exhibits including a man with two digits on each limb and a hermie (hermaphrodite) but the hermie escaped!

Love and borscht

It's raining here in St P- again. Actually it has rained every day we have been here except one. Luckily 3/4 of our suitcase is just dresses and shorts because some moron who shall remain nameless (I love my Skadden co-workers;););)) told Me its super hot here and not to be fooled by the forecast of rain bc even when it's raining it's hot and humid. Compared to what? The North Pole? The nice thing about the crappy weather is that it gives us an excuse to be extra rude- poke pedestrians with our umbrella, shout at folks in the street, etc and we can do all of this knowing that we are being culturally sensitive and the people of St P are more comfortable with us staring them down and shoving them out of our way then if we were polite. I crack up every morning at the breakfast buffet in our hotel when the employees try their best to smile at us. It's pretty obvious they are super uncomfortable- I would love to sit in on employee training (smiling is actually required when dealing with foreigners- etc...) When we were in the Hermitage the other day I heard a Russian lady giving a tour in English and she was literally yelling at the group "what's wrong with u??! I told u to meet me by the stairs!!! Why are u here???? What are you doing over here??? Ahhh!" Off to Peterhof! It's just another gorgeous day here!

Russian culture

Russia requires all visa applicants to their country to submit face front photos with no smiling allowed. This proved to be a tough requirement for Maddox as he is really a ham sandwich. He can't stop smiling, especially when he sees strangers. Most babies his age have "stranger anxiety" and they cry when they see strangers. Maddox has parent anxiety- he gets pissed when he spends too much time with us and the only way to make him feel better is to take him out and let him see some new faces. He loves nothing more than catching a stranger's eye and smiling as if he just won the lotto. Strangers and cups. That is what he is most passionate about these days.

So when we had to get a photo of him with a serious face it took about 59 or so tries. All the while I was thinking what the F? Why do they care if my 8 month old smiles in his visa photo. Well, now I know. The Russians hate smiling. It makes them feel uncomfortable. We eased into this by stopping in Finland on the way over, a country filled with people with blank stares- like Stone Cold Steve Austin. Now we are in a country where mean mugs rule. Passing these people on the street you aren't sure if they are angry or their hamster just died.

As our friend Olga told us, you aren't suppose to show emotion here. And Olga actually is too happy really. So when I walk down the street smiling and waving hello at police officers the locals think I'm nuts. At first I thought this was weird but now I'm getting use to it. I can choose whether to look Russian or not by going back and forth between smiling (so they'll know I'm a foreigner) and giving a nasty look like "F off!" I'm Russian! It's kind of fun.

The cool thing is that Maddox can't stop smiling no matter what so we use him as a decoy to crack the Russians. We'll walk into an elevator- get a death scare and then Maddox will catch their eye and smile from ear to ear until they crack. And if they don't crack that's when I really give them a mean look. Like, really bit$h??? You are so hard that you cant even smile at a baby? And a gorgeous one at that?

Really it's a-ok with us and as Olga explained, just a part of their culture. Just because these people aren't bowing down and praising me to the high heavens for using their bathroom in a coffee shop doesn't mean they aren't good people. Plus- as I learned yesterday, when traveling with a baby you don't always want people to be nice and fuzzy. In the Hermitage yesterday, the most spectacular museum we have ever been to, people were snapping photos of Maddox all day without our permission! Dang- I know he's handsome but BACK OFF! Or at least don't do that trick where u snap a photo waist level like I won't see. What a joke. I know you paid 200 rubles to take photos of the art here but you didn't pay me a dime to take a photo of my pride and joy. Hello!

Then as we were leaving the museum, a group of 15-20 Chinese tourists started bombarding Maddox with their cameras like he was Blanket (Michael Jackson's baby from Debbie Rowe). We literally sat there for 20 minutes while they all snapped away until one of them literally grabbed Maddox from my arms and started snuggling with him. One of them had a zoom lens a foot long.

Jesus Christ. I was cracking up but in my mind I was thinking- thank god the Russians are so hard core. If we were in a country where people wouldn't leave Maddox alone and kept trying to "borrow" him for a hug I would have to cover him like MJ did with Blanket so he wouldn't get exposed to too many germs.

Although Russians are not the outwardly friendliest bunch that doesn't mean much and we have met some incredibly nice Russians. Olga, a friend of a friend, took 2 days to show us around and teach us the culture. She told us that when she went to New York and her server kept checking on her at a restaurant she was FREAKED OUT! Apparently the server kept asking her if everything was alright and it made her think everything was not alright. Hilarious!

The cool thing about traveling with Maddox is that we have met a lot of people we wouldn't otherwise talk to because he's simply irresistible. The coolest part is hearing them all talk to him in their language. In the last few days he has been admired in Russian, Portuguese, Italian, Spanish, Chines, English and some other languages I can't even decipher. Pretty cool really! Maybe this will help with his tri-lingual preschool application. Mandarin-English-Spanish preschools are all The rage in the Bay Area these days. Why? So u can say your 3 year old is tri-lingual? That's cool and all but try keeping that up until they are old enough for that to matter.

Some other things we appreciate about Russian culture is their love for tropical drinks. You would be surprised how hard it is to find shots of vodka or normal cocktails here- everywhere we go all we see are Mai Tais and Pins Coladas. It's 55 degrees and raining... maybe it's "summer" here but get with the program people.

We are having a truly amazing time here despite the mean looks and fruity drinks. Last night we had caviar and a few shots of vodka (Imperia is amazing- no rubbing alcohol aftertaste- the 21 year olds in us were proud!)

There is just so much to see here. Catherine the Great's palace in Pushkin, complete with a room made entirely of Amber and the Hermitage which really has to be seen to be believed (we kept walking around thinking is this real?! There are 3 million works of art there and it would take 9 years to see them all- and they are in a palace that was used as a bomb shelter during the Nazi occupation. Luckily all the art was evacuated and saved.).

St P looks a lot like Venice but is so much larger and has more incredible historical sights.

Today we saw the Church of the Spilled Blood, the Russian museum, then walked to the top of St Issac's then ended the day at a Uzbecki worker's restaurant hole in the wall with a Khazakstani guy we met on the Internet. Why not? For $30 we took him to dinner (food included) and he told us about growing up in Khazakstan and Uzbecki food and culture. The food was incredible actually (spiced meats and flavorful soup with housemade noodlesand) it was super interesting to have dinner surrounded by poor Uzbecki workers (all men). Maddox enjoyed the change of scenery.

So now when people ask "why Russia?" we can say: for the tropical drinks, Italian culture (more on that next time but apparently they appreciate the "light cusine") death stares, palaces, art and Uzbecki food. Why else???

St Petersburg!

Our first day in St Petersburg, the Venice of the North was incredibly fun. My friend from law school, Ksusha's friend Olga took us around the city. Our first stop was a first for Maddox- a flash mob armed with water guns in a square with a Lenin statute. The flash mob consisted of teenagers spraying the guns and jumping into the fountain despite the 60 degree weather. Apparently a very Russian experience and one that we certainly appreciated! Maddox can't wait to go to kindergarten and show off his photo in front of a flash mob at show and tell!

Next stop- lunch at a Soviet cafe. But first another highlight- Maddox projectile vomited an entire bottle of milk all over himself and poor Olga's trendy and adorable bright yellow Fiat. I think he was carsick and after the incident he felt much better. The soviet cafe looked just like grandma's home in soviet times complete with communist cartoons and even a goldfish tank. Olga ordered a ton of delicious food for us so we were able to try so many things. We weren't sure how much to order but she informed us the portions were not American sizes so we ordered 8 items and a Samovar tea course. I'm not sure which part of America she was talking about but when everything arrived I kept thinking it must have been Texas! We had potato salad, cold beet soup, breaded chicken, pickled veggies, dumplings etc and an entire plate of about 50 cookies with our tea. We also ordered a few shots of horseradish vodka which was also surprisingly good. It's been a few years since we have thrown back some shots but something about the horseradish infusion made them tolerable and even delish.

It was great to learn about St P from a local- what things were like in the Soviet era when "Grandpa Lenin" was a local hero and all kids participated in community service activities after school. I'll always remember my friend Ksusha telling me about what it was like growing up in Russia and how her and her mother would decide between eating meat that month or going to the ballet (they would usually pick the ballet of course).

Another plus about being with a local in a city like this is learning about what's on offer. Brett and I are always looking for unique ways to spend an afternoon when we travel and Olga told us about a cool opportunity here. There are bus tours to Finland for Russian cougars who are looking to marry a Finn. Apparently the Finnish men are eager beavers for the Russian cougs. Couple that with the fact that Russian men die young (vodka culture) and you can see why these tours are quite popular!

Yesterday Olga took us to Pushkin to see Catherine the Great's summer palace which was incredible and we learned more fun facts which I will add later!

Just arrived in St Petersburg last night. We are so excited to be in such an amazing historical city. We are also in the middle of reading the 900 days about the seige of Leningrad during WWII- I am at the part of the book where they start having to eat human sausages. This made it quite difficult to enjoy my breakfast this am. St P an absolutely gorgeous city- Maddox is loving it and especially appreciates the ladies here- all of them are wearing very short skirts or dresses, even in the rain. Our hotel provided us with a guidebook that had local advertisements for resturants and Russian models. Since the people here are not as outwardly friendly as the Spainards or Italians and Maddox is happiest when he can flirt with strangers, we are thinking of ordering a model to accompany us around- just someone Maddox can flirt with while we tour around. Today our friend Ksusha's friend Olga is picking us up to take us to a flash mob, a soviet cafe, the modern art museum and a boat tour. Should be very interesting! Brett is reading up on beach volleyball which we will be seeing at the Olympics- apparently "A medal is a distant dream for Team Great Britain!" No, really???? Where do they practice? The UK is not really known for their beaches or their beach bodies for that matter. We are looking forward to see the spray tanned bodies of the British team- should be a hoot!!!! US and Brazil will be front runners.

Helsinki PART 2-

All of a sudden, the fact that this country holds a wife carrying competition annually started to make a lot mroe sense. These people are over-caffinated and introverted and the reason they keep their mouths shut is that they would scare off visitors if they started expressing themselves openly.

After the modern art museum, we walked around for 7 hours, checking out some cool design stores, the design museum (Helsinki is the 2012 Design Capital of the World), a fascinating museum on Mannerheim,- their former President who traveled across Asia on horseback and was a fabulous hunter, and then took a relaxing cruise through the surrounding islands. Along the way we had a reindeer muffin for a snack (even Maddox enjoyed it- but we'll wait til he stops beliving in Santa Claus to remind him of that).

After a super long day and a nice nap we went out for dinner at a traditional Finnish log cabin resturant. We sat down, had a bear salami on rye amuse busch ordered some bear meatballs and a salad and waited. And waited and waited and waited. And waited. After 1.5 hours we got our salad and a drink. 2.5 hours later we were still waiting on our bear balls. Really? Oh yeah, I reminded myself. We are in EUROPE. And sure Maddox is easy going and a fantastic traveler who can handle jet lag surprizingly well. And yes he is 9 months old but we can still take him out to dinner and enjoy ourselves if we bring some cereal for him to snack on and some toys to entertain him (or if there are girls he can flirt with in his immediate vicinity). But he is still a baby, I am unable to bring 3 hours worth of cereal to keep him busy and sitting quietly for 3 hours is a little much to ask of him. But he powered through. He did fall asleep at one point on the table but at least he didn't kick and scream. What a little trooper. We love our little guy so much!

Next stop, St Petersburg!!!

PART 1- After a long flight we finally arrived in Helsiniki. Maddox did great on the two planes- he slept most of the time and didn't cry other than for 5 minutes on the descent into Helsinki.

When we got to the airport in SFO and had dinner before our flight we met a British couple traveling with their two toddlers. Just my luck- I thought- I'll bet they are on the plane near us. Low and behold we get on the plane and in our cozy row of four is not just the three of us but also the four of them/ 4 seats, 3 lap children- yay! You've got to be kidding me. I immediately starting working on getting us upgraded based on Brett's sprained ankle. While they were not able to upgrade us, the steward offered Brett his own row in the back which I fanagaled into getting the British family moved to instead of Brett. Perfect. 4 seats, 3 of us. If that wouldn't have worked I had a back-up plan- Ambien, ear plugs and red wine. Sure, the rest of the plane would be miserable listening to 3 screaming babies but at least we could sleep, right?

Yesterday we really jam packed it all in over here. We got lucky with the weather and instead of rain it was pleasant out. We woke up at 5am (we aren't morning people but this is one of the benefits of jet lag), ate a delicious breakfast and set out to start our day. We ended up walking around for 3 hours before anything we wanted to see opened. We wanted to experience Finnish culture and the the Finns we had met thus far had been just like I read about- reserved, quite, like talking to a wall, etc... and we wanted to experience their culture anyways so we decided to stop to get coffee 4 times before 10am. Why you might ask? The statistics differ but the Finns drink between 5 and 10 cups of coffee a day/ I wish I could verify that information but considering these people won't talk to you more than is absolutely necessary it's been rough. I've even tested them out by small talking several Finns in various circumstances, just to see what I get.

At 10am, fully caffinated and feeling a little more Finnish we went into the Kiasma, the modern art museum here. We were in for a real treat. I love modern art museums, especially because you never know what you're going to get and this museum was no exception. In fact, considering the Finns are as quirky as they come, this museum was especially bizzare. We went from an exhibit where we were made to feel we were inside a giant Valentine's Day Card with a sign that read "Magic Unicorn! We kidnap you and you give us the key to happiness!" Dang- is this what happens when these people drink that much coffee- their brains go bizerk?? Next we moved on to a cool comic book exhibit and then an "installation" as they are called in the modern art world, of boarding students getting into a pillow fight. Maddox quite enjoyed that one. Finally we get to the last room and there is some video playing of a plumber dancing and singing "let's get some more water. let's get some more water." REALLY? WHY? Because you drank so much coffee and you are super dehydrated? I don't get it. I really don't. Then the video went from strange to stranger- the man hopped into a coffin with a dead person and started going off about how dead people are art and something about their sexuality. What is the point of this exhibit? To make me question my sanity or to make me question my parental judgement- is this appropriate for my 9 month old son who is soaking everything up like a sponge?

Quirky Helsinki

We are leaving for the airport in just a few minutes and Maddox has had the most cranky day of his life (of course- that's what babies do- just when you count on them to nap for 2 hours so you can finish packing they absolutely REFUSE to take a nap). He is the happiest most easy going baby I know and in general is always a joy. But not today- today he will not take a nap even though he is exhausted. It's cool. I know how to deal with this- I'll just dress him in a ridiculously cute outfit. That way there is no way I can be mad at him if he decides to cry for 10 out of the 13 hours we will be in the air. Also- everyone else on the flight who is trying to sleep won't even care when they see this outfit. Cool. I got it under control!

Keeping things simple

When I created this blog last year when I was pregnant, in the interests section I put " Exotic travel, food, wine, good friends and now parenting- is this going to be possible?" 

I now know the answer is YES! Well.... sort of. After almost 9 months of being a mom I would now change the order to "Parenting, wine (esp a good Pinot), food, good friends and exotic travel." My husband and I are about to embark on a journey with our incredibly adorable son Maddox (see photo above- not only is he cute- he is truly international as you can see from his Indian garb)- we will be visiting 5 countries in 3 1/2 weeks- and in 3 of those countries you can't drink the water. WE LIKE TO KEEP THINGS SIMPLE. Whateves.


And to keep things extra simple we are trying to pare down our must bring items to the following: (1) one big suitcase for baby gear- including 150 sterilized disposable bottles, (2) another big suitcase for clothes/shoes/toiletries for the 3 of us, (3) a stroller and carrying case, (4) a carseat and carrying case, (5) a diaper bag and (6) a portable crib. I was going to leave the portable crib at home until today when my Pediatrician and I spent 5 minutes debating whether we can be sure that Russian, Estonian and Latvian hotels have upgraded from lead cribs... Hmmmm

New Mom Culture Shock: She'll Be Comin Round the Mountain

NEW MOM CULTURE SHOCK: SHE'LL BE COMIN ROUND THE MOUNTAIN

It's been almost 4 months with my little bundle of joy. Oh how life has changed... While it is the most fun and rewarding thing I've ever done, there are at least a few minutes each day where I take a TIME OUT and think to myself "hmmm.... how the HECK did I get here????? Is this a god damn joke????" 

Tonight, I was checking out my friend Jessica's photos on Facebook from her trip to Thailand/Cambodia and I came across a photo advertising a fish foot massage that reads "Welcome to Smart Fish Massage... it's time to get your feet wet.... Never Try Never Know....Happ & Funn (*suppose to be "happy and funny"*)... Get experience with our Smart Fish Massage (is there a patent for that I wonder?).... 30 Min = $3 FREE... No pirahna!!!... If not happy not charge from you" 

Cambodia, by the way, is a country I once got kicked out of at the border and the gov threatened to kill me bc my traveling partner was the dumbest thing since sliced bread... and I've been interested in going back ever since to see Angkor Wat- but that's another story

After seeing that pic all I could think about was- get me there!!! That looks awesome! I want to get a fish foot massage so I can laugh my a$$ off~ So I go to Brett, show him that pic and tell him- "911!!!!! 911!!!!!!!!! this is why we need to travel. This is an emergency. I need to leave the country immediately. HELP!" 

To which Brett patiently responds "we have a baby."

So I say "I know, but we need to take a trip- he needs other experiences too. I need to travel"

Brett: "Sarah- we HAVE A BABY! And other priorities now."

ME (in my head): CRAP! This is all true. 

Not feeling like the convo was going my way- I go look at my old travel writing and reminisce about fun times in Japan, Ecuador, China, Croatia, DR/Haiti, Brazil, Tanzania, etc... thinking wow- what great times Brett and I had.

I'm an awesome mom. An awesome blossom mom. I get up at the crack for my little guy a few times a night without even flinching. Doesn't phase me until I get into a furniture store at 4pm the next day and have no clue where I left my keys. And it's one thing to lose your keys in your apt- it's another to misplace them in a furniture store but hey- the interior decorator I was workin' with in  there was cool and I wanted to go there and discuss mixing our traditional pieces with some modern ones and he didn't mind helping me find my keys while discussing his design work on a Pac Heights home that has a bathroom the size of my condo and whether to go to Mykonos or Marrakesh for an upcoming trip.

Back to wondering how I got from pondering whether I should travel 500 miles out of the way in search of an obese floating nun in Thailand (I once did that) to my current deep thoughts... "hmmm- what can I do to get my almost 4 month old to poop after being constipated for 4 days- I'm worried he'll have a "BLOW OUT" on one of my favorite outfits of his." 

Look. I'm a compassionate mom. I will sit in the car with Maddox, changing his shitty diaper while he laughs about it and feel relieved that he was finally able to go. Not the most convenient time for him to poop when we are on the road but fine. I'm genuinely happy for him and that's what counts! 

Also- Hmmm.... I think I deserve a few brownie points for taking a few minutes each day to put Maddox right smack next to Olivia (my dog/first born) and foster their relationship by letting them get some quality time in together.

What else makes me wonder how the heck I got to this place in life? Let's take today for example- I woke up early (8amish- normal wake up time for most folks, not normal for someone who stays up until 2am browsing the world wide web for living room designs and condos, then wakes up at 3:30 or 4 to feed her baby, then again at 6, etc...) so that I could go to a music class for babies with other moms from my mother's group- a really fun bunch of girls. I get there only to find myself walking in circles while singing following a washed up hippie on his banjo WEARING NO SHOES who reminds me of a wanna-be Raffie (anyone else remember the children's singer?)  around the room singing "she'll be comin round the mountain as she comes... she'll be comin round the mountain as she comes...." At least SHE'LL BE COMIN ROUND THE MOUNTAIN was fun for me to sing because it makes me nostalgic from growing up in the 80's and listening to old Raffi CDs.

However bizarre that experience may have been for me it was so much fun to watch my little man smile and enjoy the show. 

Ahhh just a day in the life!

PS- the inspiration from this tid bit came from a previous email I wrote when I got back from Japan:

REVERSE CULTURE SHOCK- AMERICA, THE UNITED STATES, OUR HOMELAND USA

Since I got home yesterday I have that normal OFF feeling that accompanies jet lagged. I'm incredibly tired but still have a sort of hard time sleeping...

Culture shock is that state of being many Americans experience when they travel to places like the UK, Spain or Thailand. UK: "Wow, they drink a lot in London, I sure feel out of place here!" "SPAIN: Those Spaniards sure do use a lot of mayo in their cooking, this is so contrary from the mission statement at my local WHOLE FOODS that I'm culturally shocked!" THAILAND: "Almost everyone here looks Thai and they are driving around on tuk tuks which look like the vehicles used in Mr. Toad's Wild Ride in Disneyland... and they sell bugs to eat on the street- I'm traumatized." CULTURE SHOCK.

Well there is also reverse culture shock, a phenomenon that happens to people like me after soaking in enough good stuff in a country like Japan I get shocked about the US as if it's all new to me. Here were some of my initial thoughts having arrived back in the "States."

1) Wow, everyone got larger in the last few hours. What do these people eat here? No wonder the life expectancy of the Japanese is the highest in the world. Is everyone here large and in charge or am I wearing a wide angle lens? Dang, is everyone really drinking and walking at the same time. So rude!

2) Why is my toilet suddenly looking so ghetto. I haven't seen toilets this rudimentary, not even in 5 buck curry hole in the walls in the last few weeks. How will I warm my butt to enhance my bathroom experience. I suddenly feel inadequate. I'm oddly really bothered by this and the value of our apartment has really rapidly declined in my mind in the last two days. Thank god we don't own the place (our toilet seat sometimes even slides a little off the toilet bowl- GHETTO).

3) Why isn't every person thanking me over and over for doing nothing except being in the presence of their vicinity. Did I lose that magic touch? Are Americans just rude? Or are we normal for not kissing everyone's

a**... Should I really feel offended for not being bowed down to for buying an iced tea in Starbucks today.

4) Why is the reality TV here so PC. Why don't they get a little wilder and copy the Japanese shows where people marry after knowing each other for 40 minutes? Why don't we have a show for normal looking Americans where they compete against two other contestants and the ugliest one wins a nose job, eye opening surgery and maybe even a jaw implant? Japan has this show- why don't we?

5) WHO AM I? WHO AM I?

Maddox's Birth Story

On Saturday October 15, 2011, I had a feeling I would be giving birth soon. My due date was 5 days away but I had false labor contractions that were somewhat painful the night before. Being that labor was imminent and Olivia needed a haircut I woke up Saturday morning and booked her an appointment at Petco, not my fav doggy hair salon (the Wizard of Paws in Berkeley is infinitely better) but Petco is just so much closer to our place. Plus I figured she would want to look her Sunday best in photos with her new baby brother.

After dropping Olivia off at Petco, Brett and I decided to go to brunch at Absinthe, a great French bistro in Hayes Valley. We had a delicious lunch/brunch. We started with deviled eggs with caviar on top. I had a breakfast burrito with crispy pork belly and Brett had lamb shoulder confit with jalapeno cheddar grits. It was a gorgeous day and we sat outside and enjoyed the sun. It turned out to be an excellent last meal without kids!

 After our meal we walked around Hayes Valley, browsing the furniture stores, stopping in a chocolate store to get some truffles for later (I was still pregnant) and finally heading over to Ritual Coffee, a coffee shop in what looked like a tin can storage unit, with some strange modern art installation next to the coffee shop. I got a decaf coffee which was A-OK but Brett's coffee was amazing- it tasted like strawberries and was incredible without any milk or sugar. After our coffee stop we got a call from Petco that Olivia was ready to be picked up so we headed back to Petco, checked out her haircut, paid and went home.

To be perfectly honest I wasn't too happy with Olivia's haircut. They left her ears long but cut off all the hair from the top of her head and it just didn't frame her face correctly. Moreover, her paws were somewhat sloppy- which never happens when we send her to the Wizard.

Once at home, I got a text from Liz, my friend from kindergarten who wanted to stop by and say hi on her way to a night out in the city. Liz came over at around 7 and Liz, Brett and I were sitting on our couch in the living room when my water broke. Luckily it leaked and didn't just gush out so I didn't ruin the couch. SCORE! Shortly thereafter I started having contractions and instructed Brett to time my contractions with his Contraction Master App on his iPhone (ahhh... modern technology). He also called the advice nurse to make sure we should head on over to the hospital. Of course, the advice nurse did not pick up the phone or call us back, so after taking a shower, arranging for Olivia to be picked up and getting our stuff together we headed over to the hospital.

In the car ride over, my contractions became more painful so I started calling up friends and family to let them know we were on our way to the hospital and also to distract myself! As soon as we got checked in I was ready for my epidural but little did I know they needed to run some tests and I would have to wait about 30 minutes or so for the epidural. I continued to distract myself by playing some Bob Marley and calling a few friends to ask for labor advice. Not prepared to wait I asked if they could give me any other pain meds and after filing enough complaints the nurse hooked me up with an IV and some Demerol for my pain.

Before the IV, I was questioned as to what meds I had taken that day-.... well I took a few Tylenol when I went into labor. When the nurse asked me why I responded "for pain"... "and you thought that would help??" she asked. Ha! Well, I thought it couldn't hurt.

Once the pain meds kicked in I was feeling fine. Next they put me in a wheelchair and wheeled me upstairs to get my epidural. When the anesthesiologist came in I told him a horror story about my friend Heather who had recently gotten an epidural that didn't work. "So you want the kind that works I guess?" he asked me. "Yup!" The epidural didn't hurt too much going in, maybe it was because of the other pain meds I was already on and once the epidural kicked in I felt GREAT!

So much for a natural labor I thought. Why on earth would anyone do that? What a joke! I was on cloud nine as I continued to dilate. I had a super cool nurse taking care of me too. Once I was pain free my train of thought quickly shifted from- GET ME SOME GOD DAMN MEDS to CRAP! WHY DIDN'T I WASH MY HAIR TODAY! My hair is greasy and I'm not going to look good in the pics with my son!

So I told the nurse about my hairdo concerns (everyone will be showing up at the hospital in just a few hours and my hairdo just isn't going to cut it!) and my friend who suggested that I get a C-section so that I could get my hair and make-up done so I'd look good in the first pics with my baby. One of her friends even got a spray tan so she could make sure her scar wouldn't show over her bikini.

Since I was a cool patient, and had spent the last hour or so joking around with the nurse and anesthesiologist, the nurse asked if I would like her to wash my hair. HECK YEAH! I thought. But was she kidding? Well, she had never done that before, but she said she would. PERFECTO! I thought! I even had my high end hair dryer and trusty straightener with me so we were good to go!

Since my legs were somewhat paralyzed from the epidural, she brought over a wash bucket and washed and conditioned my hair with my Shu Umera ultra rich conditioner. SO THIS IS WHAT I GET WITH MY CADILLAC HEALTH PLAN, HUH? Man, I love Skadden right now!!! I called a few more friends to brag about my health insurance and the great service I was getting in the hospital. What a relief to not worry about having bed head when all my friends and family showed up!!!

Then all of a sudden it was midnight, I was 5 centimeters or so dilated but that nurse was off duty. Panic struck in... Who will blow dry and straighten my hair? Would the next nurse think I'm nuts? Could I even ask her to do that? Brett? Yikes. So Brett did a great job with the blowdryer but when it came time to straighten I gave him the instructions but things just weren't going as planned. He wanted to start at the tips, not at the roots and that just wasn't going to work. I could see a disaster waiting to happen so I decided to take matters into my own hands and straighten my own hair. Not a bad idea- it turned out just fine.

And somehow, the only side effect I got from the epidural- continuous shaking and the tensing up of my right side and my neck- all went away as soon as I started to get my hair washed. So funny! Talk about a stress free experience.

By 1:30am or so I was fully dilated but the new nurse wanted me to wait for an hour and a half before I started to push. She was hoping the baby would come down more so it would be easier to push. Brett and I tried to go to bed. After an hour or so I woke up- how could I sleep when meeting my baby was mere hours away? I woke up Brett and we spent a few minutes together getting excited for our new arrival. Then I pushed my nurse call button (man I love those) and told her I was starting to feel some pressure. Finally it was time to push!

I pushed for an hour and forty-five minutes. It's kind of weird when you feel no pain but feel pressure from the contractions and have to guess when it's good to push. Basically you hold your breath and push for ten seconds. Then wait 2 minutes or so for the next contraction. Then push again. I had to wear an oxygen mask most of the time because the baby did better when I had the mask on (they monitor the baby's heart beat on a screen the entire time so if anything goes wrong they can immediately ship you off for a c-section). I had 2 main problems with pushing (1) my nurse was a shy Sally- she was the quiet type and although she was very nice I really could have used my boot camp instructor for this phase, not someone who would be better off getting me into a meditative trance and (2) preggo pilates had taught me some moves for pushing which actually were ineffective. Plus it just takes awhile to figure out how to push the correct way.

The nurse kept saying "just one more push then I'll call in the doctor".... she lied. That one pushed turned into about 40 but finally at around 4:40 the doctor came in, I pushed a few more times and out came baby Maddox at 4:47am on Sunday, October 16th (4 days early). They wiped him off and put him on my chest. It was such an incredible, yet bizarre feeling. It still didn't seem real. He was crying for a bit, then spent a long time looking all around. Wow. My son is here. CRAZY!

The nurse gave him a bath, washed his hair and then brought him back so I could breastfeed him. He latched on immediately and the nurse said his latch was an A+. What a smart baby! We'll start looking into Harvard and Yale next week I thought. (ha ha) Then the nurse took him to give him a bath and then it was Brett's turn to hold him. I could tell he was nervous at first but after a few minutes he was a natural.

My good friend Yalda showed up a few minutes later. Then they moved us to a different room where we would be spending the next two nights. Friends and family continued to show up over the next two days (Aaron and Courtney, Mike and Sarah, Anne, Katye and of course my parents, grandma, Brett's mom and step dad and Brett's dad and step mom).

I don't think being a parent really sunk in for about a day or so but the last night we were in the hospital, they brought us a Celebration Dinner of fillet mignon and over that dinner Brett and I read a really sweet email from his dad (his dad's reaction to meeting baby Maddox and what he remembered about raising Brett), both started crying and finally felt like parents.

It's crazy how there is no way to prepare yourself for being a parent. No way to know what it will feel like, how wonderful it is or how much you are able to love someone that you created. It has been 10 days now and we are so incredibly happy to have our gorgeous baby boy. He mostly eats and sleeps (especially eats- we even had to take him to the ER the other night when an advice nurse told us he shouldn't be crying for 6-7 hours whenever he was not feeding. Turns out he was just going through a growth spurt and needs to eat every 30 minutes)!. Ok.... well that's fine! Although we are up a lot at night- we are just so thrilled and couldn't be happier.

The end.

How Pregnancy Brought me to Celebrate Life Through Ayuvedera

How Pregnancy Brought me to Celebrate Life Through Ayuvedera and Helped me Discover The Awareness and Joy of Cooking and Eating

"This class is the yoga of cooking," stated our Indian cooking instructor Nalini with such conviction. Yikes!!! I thought and immediately burst out into a short laugh that I somehow managed to contain. What the heck is going on here??? Is this some kind of sick joke?

Then our little Indian cooking instructor went on, "I hope you all are vegetarians... " Ummmm, not even CLOSE... "and now we are going to go around and say why each of us wanted to take this class, and THEN we are going to meditate..." WHAT? WHAT? WHAT? Ok, now we've gone too far. Groupon has really led me astray. How did I get here? And what is my husband Brett thinking? If I feed him a meal without some actual meat, even if it's loaded with protein he promptly files a complaint. And while I'm not the spiritual type, I do take an occasional yoga class, but Brett- his idea of a spiritual connection is the deep, involved, cultivating connection he has with each player on his fantasy baseball team. He must be really enjoying this!

"The ancient Indian medical science of Ayurveda, prescribes a delicious at the same time unique mind-body menu for lifelong health. This healing cuisine emphasizes the close connection between the food we eat and our health," read an excerpt from a Ayurveda guide our caring instructor sent us after the class. How did we get here? You might be wondering. Well, one day Groupon sent me an offer for an Indian Cooking Class and a light bulb went off in my head. I love Indian food, I want to learn to cook it, I have a rough time wanting to eat tons of vegis and an obscure fear of chicken breast and if only I learned how to properly cook vegis and chicken breast the Indian way I could be on my way to a healthier lifestyle.

Plus I'm pregnant and have gotten into this phase where I want to continue to experience life to its fullest before the baby comes. And I have been having weird food cravings. There was the week where all I wanted to eat were passion fruits and so my mother went to a special grocery store in Berkeley and bought me 30 of them. Then there was the month where all I wanted to eat was Ethiopian food and I begged Brett to eat it with me at least twice a week until he finally put his foot down. SO... I somehow convinced my good friend Sarah to take the cooking class with me. Then she accidentally bought two Groupons so I bought an extra one also so we could bring our husbands along for the ride. Right as we were leaving to walk over to the class, Brett gets a text from Sarah's husband Mike wondering why we are paying $100 each for a cooking class that we supposedly got half off on Groupon and questioning how much alcohol will be there to help them get through the night. A bottle of wine each? Probably more with that steep price tag they thought.

Jesus Christ. What are we doing here and what will I tell the rest of the class about why I wanted to be here. Think quick. As we went around the circle, it became more and more apparent that the four of us were the only ones who kind of showed up at the class without purposely trying to form a deeper connection to the vegis we cook. Honestly! There was even a girl who practiced Ayurveda for a living and it SHOWED. Oh yes it did. How so? Her haircut. Not to be mean but how could I not be? She had that cut where she had long brown hair on the top of her head, slicked back in a pony tail to reveal a SHAVED HEAD underneath. Yup! Really homegirl? That's your haircut? I don't care how "spiritual" you are- that haircut is just a joke. A strange, strange joke. Unless you are joining some grunge band from the 90s you just look ridiculous. And I'm sorry but if you have $100 to blow on a cooking class- grow out your lovely locks, go to a high end salon and get yourself a real hairdo. Ughh. I'm not sure why but her haircut REALLY bothered me. Maybe it was just the pregnancy hormones but it somehow reminded me of the kids I use to see begging for money in Berkeley on Telegraph Ave as teenagers who had gone with me to private schools and had parent that were doctors and other professionals. Was it because being homeless was suddenly "in"??? Was this lady so enthralled in the Ayuvedera lifestyle that she thought her haircut was acceptable in today's society?

The shaved head lady later went on to have a full blown discussion with our instructor about how breathing is as effective as morphine and how she prescribes ghee (a form of butter) to her patients for its healing power. Luckily, Mike is a doctor and Sarah is a nurse practitioner so I felt safe having them there to dispel that myth for me. Even when Nalini came over to explain how I should start ramping up my ghee intake because pregnant women get gassy and ghee helps with gas and other medical issues that arise during pregnancy- I stuck to my ground and consulted my legitimate health care practitioners there at my side.

OK so I let myself get distracted in this girls do' as we went around the circle but then I went back to scrambling for a reason to be at this class- I did grow up in Berkeley, my little brother has been a vegetarian since he was 4, he spent a number of years as a vegan, so I thought HEY- I have some credibility here. So I went on some tangent about how my brother was a vegetarian and that's why I wanted to take this class instead of telling the group the real reason- the whole thing was a HUGE MISTAKE and I really felt like I was in the middle of some sham and all I wanted to do was get through the class without laughing so that I wouldn't offend any of these strange people. In my explanation, I did leave out the part about how even though I grew up in Berkeley my family was the only one in my class who didn't recycle and that even though my mother ONLY drinks bottled water, she still refuses to recycle the bottles because setting them aside in a different can is just apparently too much for her and my father. Anyways....

As our instructor began our group meditation journey, instead of focusing on the meditation, I was focusing on how not to break out into a fit of laughter. I felt like I was in third grade all over again. I kept thinking back to that text Mike sent Brett and how thrilled I thought the boys must be to have this experience. Then I tried to really live the lifestyle and think positively. I had asked Brett to attend a yoga class with me a few times in the past few years and shockingly, he always declined. Suddenly I was hitting two birds with one stone- the meditation portion reminded me of yoga and the cooking portion was going to be great because maybe Brett would want to start cooking for his pregnant wife.

After the meditation was over, our instructor went deeper into Ayuvedera theory and just as she was getting real deep "every person is an element: earth, air, water, fire, space,... think about what element you are and you have to eat foods to balance out your element. I, for example, am airy, so I need to eat more earthy foods." Just then Nalini's partner walked in. HELLO! I thought! Classic San Francisco. This class is just getting better and better every second. Well Nalini, looks to me like your partner isn't really eating for her element. If she was, she would probably be a little less pudge. I thought this way of eating was a lifestyle as well and it doesn't seem like that woman is eating only vegis, let alone only those particular vegis that compliment her element. Hmmmmm......

Finally we got into the cooking portion of the class with instructions on how to make a few items including green beans with shredded coconut and a rice/lentil/squash dish. It was at that point that things started to get serious. As Brett was placing a chili into the pot, Nalini came over to him and scolded him for not "CONNECTING" with the chili. Apparently he was just throwing the chili into the pot haphazardly and not really thinking about the chili, smelling the chili NOR becoming one with the chili at that particular moment.

I'm sure he loved that. Personally, I was thinking, hey lady- I'm just happy to see him cooking- I could care less if he feels a connection with any particular spice. But to each his own. This woman was here to give us our money's worth and force a connection with our vegis in whatever way she needed to do that to bring the true Ayuvedera lifestyle to each of us.

As we continued into the cooking portion of the class I started to really feel ripped off. While some of the vegis were possibly farm fresh, others were from Trader Joes. Really Nalini? You are charging 8 of us $100 a pop for vegis and they aren't even from the Farmer's Market or Whole Foods. Ok. Then we started to make the raita I realized that we didn't even have all the ingredients. You would think that Nalini could have done us the favor of at least purchasing all the items necessary for each dish.

When the meal was finally cooked and the food came out there was barely enough for each of us. Not sure if that was so that we would be able to better connect and become one with each damn bite OR if this lady was just cheap OR if it was because she was truly an "AIR" sign (as she earlier self described) and hadn't thought about how much food would be necessary to feed 9 mouths. I know- maybe she thought that by her launching into a discussion about finding her guru (oh yes she did) she would be able to distract us enough with hopes and dreams of finding our own GURU that we wouldn't notice the lack of food on our plates.

To be perfectly honest when the whole thing was said and done we all realized we had such a comical, quintessential San Francisco, hippy dippy experience that it was worth every penny of $400 for 4 participants. And the vegis were pretty darn good too- so good that I bought the ingredients and made two of the dishes myself the very next week. Sure, Brett did complain that I wasn't feeding him any meat, but I did remind him of the power of lentils and just how lucky he was that I wasn't going to lead him through a family meditation before we sat down to eat.